Something Old, Something New

Having someone new in your life at 33 comes with very mixed emotions. 

I've recently met someone and am falling head over heals for him. It feels incredible, different to anything i've felt before and I feel like I have been hit by lightening, completely out of the blue. The very sight of him makes my stomach explode with butterflies and I feel like tumbling to the ground. It's insane. He is no where near my 'usual type', but I felt like this the very first time that I saw his face. I don't feel as scared as I should to let go, take a risk and put my all into it, because I think that this guy is worth the risk.

In the beginning of a new relationship, it's amazing to take time asking questions: "where are you from", "what's your favourite food", "what do your parents do", "what films have you seen". I really love this exploratory time and i'm relishing sitting and listening to this guy. I feel gripped by his every word. We have so much in common, from our families to our professions. It's an incredible familiar base to start to build something really important that could last a life time.

So why the mixed emotions? At 20, the above would have been all that I felt, but at 33, there have been previous versions of me. There have been darker times, harder times and times that have shaped and changed my life, but that are difficult and painful to recount. To say I regretted these times wouldn't be true, because they have made me the person that I am, they are entrenched in my soul and they have directed my life to where it is now, but I certainly can't say that I am proud of them. 

Half of me is desperate to share the previous me. To sit down and say "look, this is what I have experienced, this is what I have been through, it has been these experiences and mistakes that have shaped me more than any other in my life". I am very good at looking back and reviewing my past. I'm great at acknowledging my mistakes and I can't tell you the effort that I have put in to prove that I didn't just walk away, I worked hard and changed my life so that these experiences weren't wasted.

The question is this: How easy is it for a new person in my life to understand or forgive any of these things? When should I speak about this stuff? Now, so he has a chance to decide i'm not for him? Later when he wonders why I didn't share this stuff before? Never? The latter is not an option, but it's so hard to know what to do.

Having been single for so long and not finding anyone that I would dream of sharing this stuff with has made life easier. It's sometimes painful to admit your failures and weaknesses to others. However, I believe that if you are going to give yourself, you must give all of yourself. 

The question is, when?