Playing Games on a Board, Not a Heart

Falling in love is sometimes harder than not falling in love at all. 

I'm really, really great at being single. I'm strong, independent, brave, content, happy and organised. Making a decision to risk all of that is tough. Very tough.

When I play board games, I don't even start playing unless I think I can win - what's the point? But when it comes to love, I'm terrified, unsure, nervous, insecure...there are times when I don't even love myself, so why would anyone else love me? The difference between these is that I'm not a game player in love. I believe in wearing my heart on my sleeve, putting stacks of commitment, time and energy in and, most of all, in verbalising my feelings. 

I'm experiencing a whole raft of strange emotions right now. I want to say that I'm jumping for joy, that I feel like crying with happiness and that I feel fabulously overwhelmed, but i'm really scared to admit that. The things is, I want to make the person I am with feel as incredible as he is making me feel. 

My friends around me are scared. They're scared at seeing something in me that they haven't seen before. My lack of control, the dizziness that's surrounding me, watching me throw caution to the wind. They're so used to me being controlled, organized, reflective, strong and cautious. What they see right now is anything but. I know they're worried I'll get hurt. That they care enough to be frightened for me, but my question is this: Surely if I think that someone is important enough for me to risk my heart and my head on, they're important enough for me to tell them so and take all of these risks? 

I don't do game playing in relationships. It baffles me that you don't think it's right to tell someone they are incredible, if they are. It's so important to tell those that you love how amazing they are. For you to make them glow with your praise and affections, for you to express how unbelievably magical they are. If you think someone has changed your life and made your heart pound with happiness, tell them. 

So what happens if they take your frightened heart and tear it to shreds? What if they break it and don't look after and cherish it? This is the risk that you take, and some people are worth taking that momentous leap of faith for. Life isn't about playing games to win, it's about loving, learning and sharing all that you are and all that you have. If someone doesn't cherish that, then at least you can say that you gave your all and you should never be ashamed to love. 

So bring it on. Bring on the love, the fear, the sleepless nights. Bring on compromise, change and acceptance. Bring on the challenges, the fears and the risks. For if you can embrace these things to the best of your ability, the rewards you reap can be better than any game, it can bring you true, eternal happiness. 

And if it all fucks up, my friends will pick me up, dust me down, feed me wine and will do all that they can to heal my broken wounds. But they won't tell me I was an idiot, they will remind me that I'm just me.