Fat Camp

Tonight, I started Fat Camp, or Bfit Bootcamp as they are touting themselves. 

Ok, so now you've picked yourself back up off the floor, there is a reason for this ridiculous, drastic course of action. Yesterday, I booked a holiday to an incredible swanky hotel on the romantic Greek Island of Skopelos (where they filmed Mamma Mia) with Lovely Ben. Lovely Ben plays football twice a week and goes to the gym, so is going to look as gorgeous as ever on the beach. I'm lucky if I stand up for longer than 10 minutes twice a week, so i'm going to look like a jellyfish that has escaped the surf. Something has to be done, something urgent, something severe and something that will have me looking like a supermodel in five weeks.

Firstly, I need to decide on an outfit. After putting a full face of make-up on, making sure my false eyelashes are tightly secured and pencilling in my eyebrows, I plump (no pun intended) for a little pair of pink and black shorts, a sports bra (which makes you look thin and sporty even without exercising) and a black sports-back vest. I don't feel quite the part so I team that with my over-the-knee socks scrunched down to add a little 80's glam. Lip gloss applied and i'm off.

45 minutes before I had to be there, it started to rain. As I danced around the lounge with glee, I called them to check it had been called off. Apparently not. Ridiculous. Surely there are health and safety rules that stop you running around on mud in the rain? I'll be googling that shortly. Anyway, I turned up half an hour early as I can no longer gauge how long it takes to walk to the seafront as I don't really walk. I had considered a taxi (especially given the rain) but couldn't think where to be dropped off without being caught. I walked down there and surprisingly, it only took me 5 minutes. Obviously I didn't want to look like the keen fat kid, so I reclined on a bench to regain my composure after the strenuous walk.

Around 15 minutes before kick-off, I went over and introduced myself. They seemed like very lovely people, but ridiculously fit (which I really hate in a person) and wearing bright orange. My plan to discreetly join a bootcamp was somewhat blown by the neon orange t-shirts and equipment. Great, as if it's not bad enough that I am a lard arse, they are drawing attention to us on Hove seafront. This is already torture and I haven't done anything yet.

Another girl, Toni, turns up and i'm relieved to hear that it's her first time too. The instructor says "Hey Girls, grab that football and have a kick-around to warm up". My face said it all. Football? Are you kidding me? This is getting more and more ludicrous. As IF I am going to run around on the seafront kicking a football??? Toni grabs the ball and kicks it to me so I feel pressured to join in. I shimmy around, leisurely kicking the ball as I flick my hair and try to look all "Check Me Out in the Sunshine just Chillin' with my Crew". 

After five minutes, I query how long we are expected to kick this ball around. He laughs and says just keep going until everyone arrives. I'm already rolling my eyes. This is utterly ludicrous.

The others turn up and we begin. 

I'd just like to dispel a few myths at this point:

Once you go, you will enjoy it. No, I fucking hated it. Every minute.

When you feel the burn, you will know it's working and you'll want to go back. No, the pain was so bad that I wretched and I am going back because I have NO choice.

After a few sessions, this will become addictive. Are you smoking crack? Don't be so bloody ridiculous, this is HELL.

The best things about Fat Camp:

- The end.

- The fact that when I am a supermodel I won't have to go any more.

- It's cheaper than diet tablets.

- It's delaying me having to swallow a tapeworm to lose weight (yes you can, yes it works and yes I would).

So, for one hour, we run, box, do press-ups, run again, do squats, do sit-ups, run again ad infinitum (google it). I say FUCK every 2 minutes. I swear at the other people, at the instructor, at anyone who will listen. I go purple, I can't breath and i'm wretching. In desperation, I pull the epilepsy card. I tell the instructor I have epilepsy and he says "Ok, if you have a fit, i'll put a jumper under your head". FUCK. I hate him.

The outcome: I didn't stop for the whole hour. I got through it. I hated it. My hands STINK from the disgusting sweaty boxing gloves and i'm appalled (which I told the instructor and suggested that he wears them on his feet at home to force us to buy our own in a marketing ploy). I don't feel better after. If you get addicted to this, you need to see a psycho-therapist. I'm going back tomorrow.

Greece, I'll see you when i'm thin. Or die trying. I will NOT be beaten.

Me at Work. Just as Bonkers as Everything Else in My Life?

Bonkers @ Brightcove?

Charly Copeman, Customer Solutions Specialist and skydiving Wonder Woman tells us what it is like to work at Brightcove in the UK. Her main role is Global Customer Support, but she also takes a lead on writing internal documentation and delivering the Brightcove Essentials Training to Customers, both online and in person.

Name: Charlotte Copeman Role: Customer Solutions Specialist

Where are you from and where did you attend school?

I'm originally from Hartlepool in the north of England but I grew up in Wokingham in the South and now live very happily in Brighton on the South Coast of East Sussex in England. I live 5 minutes walk from the beach, have the countryside on my doorstep and Brighton & Hove is also a City so i'm incredibly lucky.

I studied nursing and law at university but I couldn't suppress my inner geek and ended up working my way through a series of web designer, web manager, search engine provider and mobile project manager roles before I came to work in the Customer Support Team at Brightcove over 4 years ago.

Why did you join Brightcove?

I joined Brightcove because I loved their forward-thinking evangelism on constant product development and investment. I could see that they were going places and I wouldn't be working in a stagnant environment. I like to be in an environment that keeps me on my toes and keeps me interested. No two days at Brightcove are the same - sometimes because of the range of Customers that we work with and sometimes it's due to the monthly feature releases. Both make it a really exciting place to be.

What is the typical day of a Customer Solutions Specialist?

I work in a fast-paced team as we answer all Customers within a specified time period. This means that there are no late starts and no lazy days where you don't achieve anything. This is great as we see questions ranging from how to reset your password, how to upload, how to customise a Video Player for Mobile, how to add in custom interfaces, closed captioning and pay buttons and now, with the launch of Brightcove App Cloud, we'll be working with Customers to develop their killer apps! As i've said before, no two days are ever the same!

How did you end up in London?

I am incredibly lucky to work from home for Brightcove with an office based in London too. Six months after I started working for Brightcove in their London office, I developed epilepsy at the age of 30. Obviously this was pretty life changing and frightening, but both the HR team, the Customer Support Team that I work in and the entire Brightcove Global Team supported me through diagnosis and in developing a working environment that enabled me to control my epilepsy and continue working to my full potential. As a result, I've never had to take medication for my epilepsy and it's never impacted my day-to-day work. I don't know another company in the World that could or would offer this level of support and the colleagues and friends that I have at Brightcove probably don't realise how incredible and supportive this has been for me.

What is your favourite memory or experience at Brightcove?

I have a stack of great memories and experiences from working at Brightcove. On my first visit to the US office, Jeremy hired an island and we had a lobster BBQ as the sun went down. I felt incredibly privileged to be working at such an amazing place. I was also pretty excited to see the kitchen - I have never seen so many bagels, M&M's, Pop Tarts, Pretzels, Cereals, Teas, Coffees and Fruit in all of my life. There's never a day when you are sad to have forgotten your lunch at Brightcove!!!

Other highlights included the launch of the new Brightcove Studio because it was light years ahead of our competitors and the buzz was incredible. The launch of Brightcove Express was incredibly exciting as it opened the power of high-class video up to everyone, and now, with the launch of the Brightcove App Cloud, it feels like we've just lit a stack of fireworks under the office! The atmosphere and excitement is palpable as we enable Customers to use HTML5 to build amazing iOS and Android apps and touch web experiences. I know it probably sounds like i'm towing the company line at times, but I don't know anyone at Brightcove who doesn't feel this way about our Company and our software solutions.

Who is your favourite comic book character?

My favourite comic book character is Wonder Woman and I did a bungee jump dressed as her two years ago and a skydive dressed as her last year - both for charity!

What is the most important thing you have learned in the last five years?

The most important thing that I have learned in the last five years is not to take anything for granted. Before I had epilepsy, as everyone sometimes does, I woke up and didn't want to go to work on a Monday, I was sometimes lazy about catching up with old friends and I didn't always appreciate everything in my life. Now, I make a huge amount of time and effort with all of my friends and my Mam and I grasp every opportunity at work to learn something new, to empower our Publishers and to enjoy every day. I'm lucky that Brightcove offers such a broad range of activities to all staff, whether that's blogging, tweeting, writing help articles, getting involved in development teams, improving the way we work - it's a vibrant environment that allows you to explore and develop both inside your position and outside of it.

What type of person should work at Brightcove?

Brightcove isn't the type of place where you sit and and work through a stack of mundane tasks each day. We're all encouraged and expected to share our knowledge, views and experiences both internally and externally. If you're full of bright ideas, excited about business and process improvement and think you can roll your personality and skill set into driving forward the future of online media, if you're passionate about content experiences and publishing and distributing the world's professional media, then Brightcove is the place to be.

Playing Games on a Board, Not a Heart

Falling in love is sometimes harder than not falling in love at all. 

I'm really, really great at being single. I'm strong, independent, brave, content, happy and organised. Making a decision to risk all of that is tough. Very tough.

When I play board games, I don't even start playing unless I think I can win - what's the point? But when it comes to love, I'm terrified, unsure, nervous, insecure...there are times when I don't even love myself, so why would anyone else love me? The difference between these is that I'm not a game player in love. I believe in wearing my heart on my sleeve, putting stacks of commitment, time and energy in and, most of all, in verbalising my feelings. 

I'm experiencing a whole raft of strange emotions right now. I want to say that I'm jumping for joy, that I feel like crying with happiness and that I feel fabulously overwhelmed, but i'm really scared to admit that. The things is, I want to make the person I am with feel as incredible as he is making me feel. 

My friends around me are scared. They're scared at seeing something in me that they haven't seen before. My lack of control, the dizziness that's surrounding me, watching me throw caution to the wind. They're so used to me being controlled, organized, reflective, strong and cautious. What they see right now is anything but. I know they're worried I'll get hurt. That they care enough to be frightened for me, but my question is this: Surely if I think that someone is important enough for me to risk my heart and my head on, they're important enough for me to tell them so and take all of these risks? 

I don't do game playing in relationships. It baffles me that you don't think it's right to tell someone they are incredible, if they are. It's so important to tell those that you love how amazing they are. For you to make them glow with your praise and affections, for you to express how unbelievably magical they are. If you think someone has changed your life and made your heart pound with happiness, tell them. 

So what happens if they take your frightened heart and tear it to shreds? What if they break it and don't look after and cherish it? This is the risk that you take, and some people are worth taking that momentous leap of faith for. Life isn't about playing games to win, it's about loving, learning and sharing all that you are and all that you have. If someone doesn't cherish that, then at least you can say that you gave your all and you should never be ashamed to love. 

So bring it on. Bring on the love, the fear, the sleepless nights. Bring on compromise, change and acceptance. Bring on the challenges, the fears and the risks. For if you can embrace these things to the best of your ability, the rewards you reap can be better than any game, it can bring you true, eternal happiness. 

And if it all fucks up, my friends will pick me up, dust me down, feed me wine and will do all that they can to heal my broken wounds. But they won't tell me I was an idiot, they will remind me that I'm just me. 

Something Old, Something New

Having someone new in your life at 33 comes with very mixed emotions. 

I've recently met someone and am falling head over heals for him. It feels incredible, different to anything i've felt before and I feel like I have been hit by lightening, completely out of the blue. The very sight of him makes my stomach explode with butterflies and I feel like tumbling to the ground. It's insane. He is no where near my 'usual type', but I felt like this the very first time that I saw his face. I don't feel as scared as I should to let go, take a risk and put my all into it, because I think that this guy is worth the risk.

In the beginning of a new relationship, it's amazing to take time asking questions: "where are you from", "what's your favourite food", "what do your parents do", "what films have you seen". I really love this exploratory time and i'm relishing sitting and listening to this guy. I feel gripped by his every word. We have so much in common, from our families to our professions. It's an incredible familiar base to start to build something really important that could last a life time.

So why the mixed emotions? At 20, the above would have been all that I felt, but at 33, there have been previous versions of me. There have been darker times, harder times and times that have shaped and changed my life, but that are difficult and painful to recount. To say I regretted these times wouldn't be true, because they have made me the person that I am, they are entrenched in my soul and they have directed my life to where it is now, but I certainly can't say that I am proud of them. 

Half of me is desperate to share the previous me. To sit down and say "look, this is what I have experienced, this is what I have been through, it has been these experiences and mistakes that have shaped me more than any other in my life". I am very good at looking back and reviewing my past. I'm great at acknowledging my mistakes and I can't tell you the effort that I have put in to prove that I didn't just walk away, I worked hard and changed my life so that these experiences weren't wasted.

The question is this: How easy is it for a new person in my life to understand or forgive any of these things? When should I speak about this stuff? Now, so he has a chance to decide i'm not for him? Later when he wonders why I didn't share this stuff before? Never? The latter is not an option, but it's so hard to know what to do.

Having been single for so long and not finding anyone that I would dream of sharing this stuff with has made life easier. It's sometimes painful to admit your failures and weaknesses to others. However, I believe that if you are going to give yourself, you must give all of yourself. 

The question is, when?

Once Upon a Time, There was a Man called James: A Thank You

Once Upon a Time, There was a Man called James. I was introduced to James a few years ago. I've never actually met James, we are, what I guess can be described as in these modern times, Virtual Friends.

So why am I blogging about James? Because he is one of the kindest, most generous people I have ever met. It's James's birthday this week and I thought it only right that I stop and take time out to thank a remarkable man.

I was introduced to James as I was going through an incredibly hard time, both personally and professionally, and James offered to be my business mentor. The idea was that we would have a call once a week and he would advise me on next steps for my career. What started off being a means to a career change, became an incredible life-changing friend. 

I believe James is aware that he gives incredible, practical business advice. He is generous with his time, he is innovative with his thoughts and he is an incredibly forward-thinking business genius. What I think that James is less self-aware off is his ability to inject you with self-belief, his ability to fill you with pride in your skill set and his gentle, yet strict encouragement to move you forward towards achieving your goals.

James started by gathering my business goals and spent weeks with hourly sessions to listen carefully to me, then setting me homework and tasks to encourage me to drive myself forward. As time progressed, I also shared some of my personal woes with James and I can honestly say that he changed the path of my life, not just my professional goals, forever.

So James, I don't want to go on and on, but thank you. Thank you for being the most incredible business person I have ever had the joy to work with, thank you for your life-changing advice, your endless patience and enthusiasm, for helping me to believe in myself and for being my friend.

If you ever have an opportunity to work with James or have a moment to check out his blog, jump at the chance. His advice, patience, time, enthusiasm and friendship will drive your life to heights you never thought you would reach.

Happy Birthday James.

Bloody Smug Marrieds. ARGHHHHHhhhhhh!!!!!!

I bloody hate smug marrieds, I really do. 

Everything you pay for is half price: rent, bills, car tax, wine, hotels, household stuff. You look down your noses at us singles for living some kind of carefree, easy life, but we have to earn twice as much and work twice as hard to live the life that you do. Nobody takes my bins out, fixes my sink, fetches the tall stuff that I can't reach: I do. Nobody pays half of my rent, half of my bills or car tax: I pay it all. I even have to pay a sodding supplement on a holiday for NOT being smug married. I mean, seriously???

To add a final boot in my single backside, I pay more tax because I earn more to afford the same stuff that you pay half for and then my tax money pays for your kids. Whilst you work part-time because you have said kids. How is this fair? 

The entire World is geared towards smug marrieds. Being single at my age is like having a fatal disease. I am WAY beyond people asking if I have a boyfriend now because it's now deemed as too embarrassing to bring up.I am becoming too old for people to even dare ask the question.

Whereas I spend my weeks listening to your baby stories, padding across the plush carpets as you flash off your new 3 bed semi and grinning inanely as I look through the 43rd wedding album of the year (and yes, I know, it's only January), when are you going to ask me who was the last person that I had fabulous, rampant sex with? Don't you want to know how many wines I had on Friday night or the fact that I only had one night's sleep this weekend? No, you don't, because society deems these things to be socially unacceptable. If you do ask, it's for the shock factor and seems like I live an hilarious life. I don't, most Singletons live this way! Anything remotely outside of relationship or baby news just isn't social fodder.

I've just survived one of the most-dreaded times of the year by all Singletons: Christmas. December was murder. Had it not been for two smug married couples that are the exception to the rule, I would have been spending it alone. Nobody invited me over as it's a family time, so it would have been me and the cats. What happens to all of that family charity that you have at these times? You want me to invite you out to my fabulous singleton Christmas Eve or New Years Eve parties, but wouldn't pause to include me in your Christmas Day festivities? Nice.

Throughout the year, I am Little Miss Sociable. I'm the organiser in our group and I host dinners, BBQ's, parties...you name it and you all come along and have a great time with my hospitality. Where's my Easter, Christmas or holiday invitations? I organise events that all can come to (as smug marrieds have a limited budget because most money is spent on being smug married), but smug marrieds don't organise karaoke or dancing nights for me that don't involve you having to leave at 1am.

And finally, whilst i'm at it, let me  tell you something. Us singletons do not have unfulfilled flings that can't possibly be deeply satisfying: FACT: That's why we have fuck-buddies. We get the same familiarity that you see in your favourite slippers whilst still remaining single. Also, I know how often you smug marrieds are ACTUALLY partaking in this fabulously satisfying familiar smug married sex and it's CERTAINLY not often enough to call it familiar.

Next time you're booking your holiday or moaning about your rent, think again, because us "carefree" singletons certainly do not have it easy. We may choose to be single (I know, shock-horror at the very thought), but it's certainly not easy.

Happy Friday

So on Wednesday, I did a huge Tesco shop online. Loads of stuff for the freezer so I don't starve in the last two weeks before pay day. 

It takes ages to do, sorting through the best offers, removing and adding everything. I choose my delivery slot and decide what I want. This is what I ordered:

• Tesco Cooked Beetroot Vacuum Pack 250G
• Tesco Broccoli Loose
• Market Value Cauliflower
• Tesco Cabbage Sweetheart
• Tesco Creamy Coleslaw 600G
• Leeks Loose Class 2
• Market Value Round Lettuce
• Tesco Salad Onions Bunch
• Tesco Organic Baby Plum Tomatoes 225G
• Tesco Garden Peas 500G
• Tesco Runner Beans Loose
• Turnips
• Tesco Market Value Peppers 700G
• Supersweet Sweetcorn Pm Twinpack
• Tesco 8 Smoked Back Bacon 250G
• Tesco Beef Mince 900G
• Tesco Medium Whole Chicken 1.50Kg
• Tesco Butter Basted Whole Chicken 1.40Kg
• Tesco Value Smoked Mackerel
• Tesco Finest* 6 Traditional Pork Sausages 454G
• Tesco Finest* 9 Chorizo Style Chipolatas 300G
• Tesco Pork Crackling Joint 640G
• Tesco Lamb Shoulder Joint With Gravy 600G
• Tesco Fresh Single Cream 600Ml
• Tesco Value Cooked And Peeled Prawns 300G
• Tesco 2 In 1 Fresh Tablets 48 Pack 24 Washes/1.8 Kilograms
  

I finally get it finished, pay and sit back to wait for the bounty to be delivered in the morning.

Thursday comes, between 12 & 2, and nothing. No delivery, no call, nothing. I call "Customer Services" and am told that the man is delayed and they refund my delivery charge. Well at least that's something! I cheerfully wait...and wait...and wait... It gets to 5pm, still nothing. I call back and am told that they have processed my card incorrectly and therefore have put my shopping back on the shelf. Lovely. They apologise, re-process my order and say it will be here on Friday between 9 & 10.

Friday comes, between 9 & 10, and nothing. No delivery, no call, nothing. I call "Customer Services" and am told that there is a problem with my card. Now I know this is not true, so I ask them to look again. They confirm that it's actually OK and they will get my order to me ASAP. BLOODY TESCO!

So here's where it gets interesting. The delivery man arrives and is incredibly happy, chatty, polite...in fact very enthusiastic indeed. He not only offers to carry my shopping through to the kitchen, but also offers to unpack! Maybe they have asked him to be lovely due to all the cock-ups?

Then we get to the next carrier bag to unpack. It contains:

SEVEN CUCUMBERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guy looks at me, looks at the cucumbers, smiles and proceeds to tell me his weekend plans (including free/ busy schedule)!!!!

HOW embarrassing!!! Check the order list above - I did not even order a bloody cucumber!!! 

Oh well, as my Mam always says: "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth"

Happy Friday ;)

A Lost, Fabulous Weekend

It's incredibly hard to know where to begin the story of my weekend. I only know some of it myself, so i'll try to piece together what I remember, what I have been told and what the evidence tells me.

The items that I have found as a result of the weekend:

• A stripey metal pole
• A man's polo shirt (size xxl)
• 7 phone numbers (3 men I remember, 2 girls I found out later, the other 2 remain unknown)

It started with a festival in Hove called 'Paddle Round the Pier'. It's a weekend of fun and frolics where the surfer-types and crazy-types head for sunny Hove to launch any floating crafts and race between the two piers. The event itself was fabulous, but a little bit of a wash out as it was really windy. That certainly didn't stop my fun. Or so i'm told.

We met at the beach at 8am on Saturday to watch a couple of my friends take part in a swimming competition. After that, we headed into town and I spent £70 on fancy dress in a moment of excitement (many pars of sunglasses, 2 playsuits, a pink flower, a pink hat, pink linen trousers, a bikini and a few other sundries). 

I then went home, dressed up in my bikini, the pink linen trousers, the pink straw trilby hat and a pair of pink wings. Perfect beach wear. I packed up a giant inflatible boat, 10 pairs of sunglasses, a pair of pink stilletto boots, a spare bikini and a couple of other outfits. All perfect for the beach. A group of us then headed down to the beach, loaded with cider (classy) and the fun began.

We started to drink and turned the music up. Our group grew and grew until there was a fabulous crowd of us, sporting my fancy dress, having a wonderful time. I then went to have my boat blown up at the local kids shop, and returned with the telephone number of a 34 year old Spanish guy. Everyone fell about laughing and said only I could pull in a kids shop. What can I say: I am on an unfathomable roll right now. 

We continued to drink and this is where my memory starts to linger. I think it's probably best if I bullet point the rest:

• Hire a kayak and hit the high seas (wearing fancy dress and false eyelashes)
• Arrange for everyone to come for a BBQ at my house
• Pull girl in from the street and go to the pub with her (wearing fancy dress)

The next section is filled in by a friend of mine when I said I think I remember seeing her in the pub:

"Yes my love, you were proper 'festival' wearing a cowboy hat and a hoodie which you knew not where it originated from. You flirted bit with my fit but thick date which I tried to palm off on you which may have worked but you then asked him repeatedly for a quid saying 'don't be tight' which then you promptly handed it over to a small African man who was selling what can only be described as a large multi-coloured stick..... you gave him your flip sunglasses too in exchange for the stick. All this was done whilst wearing 17inch black heels. You a legend xx"
 
Now I do indeed have the stick and I also remember a jumper. The next bit is again a blur but apparently there was a party at my house. I think everyone left or fell asleep and I went out at 4am to find another friend. 

When I eventually found her, she was in a kebab shop and we pulled two guys and invited them back to her house. I think we also served kebabs from behind the counter, but that may be a dream (or a nightmare). 

I remember being in my friend's house for a short while and telling the boys we had pulled that I thought they were boring. Out of the window, I spotted a party in the house opposite and shouted across asking if I could come. They said yes, and off I went, leaving my friends and the two guys behind. 

I grabbed a Steps CD and went to their party (we'll call him No:14 for now as I can't remember his name but 14 was either his house or flat number). I burst into the flat with CD, turn his music off, put mine on and sang into a wooden spoon I find in his kitchen for a couple of hours. I then convince them all to come and help me carry my boat down to the beach so that we can all go in. We get to the beach, they get the boat out (not yet inflated) and I lie down on it and fall asleep. I'm told it's about 11am on Sunday when I fall asleep on the beach.

I woke up, realise i'm on the beach and want to go home. I've loat my keys, my iPhone and my mind. No 14 walks me home and we snog. My neighbour then has to let me in and I sleep for the rest of the day.

In the midst of all this, there's a story about the man that 'stole' my phone, a man snogged, keys re-found...all in all, it was a rip-roarer of a weekend and strangely, I am suddenly having the time of my life. I feel elated, happy, i'm having fun, and I don't know where it all came from.

All I need now, is someone fabulous to share it with.

Or do I?!

IT'S A DISGRACE!!!!

OH...MY...GOD:

"The re-imagined comic book heroine Wonder Woman is shown in this undated publicity photo released to Reuters June 30, 2010. The DC Comics Comic book super heroine has traded in her spangled hot pants for urban leggings and upped her street smarts in a 21st century make-over for the 69 year-old character."

Is this a JOKE???  

I am *seriously* appalled. I mean honestly, what is THIS? Wonder Woman was beautiful, busty, curvaceous, sexy, feminine and fabulous...and what is she now?! 

She looks like a character from the Matrix! Why is it today that we insist on de-sexualising characters? As children, it didn't harm the girls to want to be like Wonder Woman, and it certainly didn't harm the boys to want to be 'with' Wonder Woman. There's nothing wrong with having a fabulous, sexy person as a role model, we don't all grow up to be non-sexual characters with super-powers...some of us have super-powers AND are sexual!

I, for one, will not be rushing out to alter MY Wonder Woman outfit.  Home-made, feminine and fabulous (made with superglue and staples too...)!

I say bring back the original and celebrate it for all that it is...FANBLOODYTASTIC!

Defence or Pretence?

The dating game is a tricky one. I've done it for over 26 years (David Brown, aged 6, his father gave out the order of service at our local church) and i've been a happy dater, a tearful dater, a supportive dater, a depressed dater, an ecstatic dater, a head-over-heals dater...the list goes on. But now...well, i'm a resigned dater.

Before I even meet people for the first date, i've been through the entire dating phase spectrum in my head, i've analysed the relationship, i've had first-love butterflies, i've found out the pet hates, i've decided those I can live with, i've facebooked his friends and family and decided who i'll like (and more importantly, who I won't), I've got bored of the bad habits, i've fallen out of love and i've resigned myself to singledom again.

It's not that i'm not giving them a chance, in fact i'm not really sure what it is. Half of me thinks that i'm happy, i'm content, i'm successful, i'm popular, I have a fabulous, fun packed life and I share it widely, i'm always busy, i'm rarely lonely and well, i'm just not sure I have a gap that needs filling. The other half of me thinks that I actually crave to share all of this with someone and maybe (I said MAYBE Mam) I would love to have children eventually, but I just cannot be bothered to go out dating again and again and again to repeat the same endless process, eternally searching for or waiting for 'Mr Right for Me'.

If you've read any of my other blog posts, you will know that I'm not prepared to settle for just anyone. I really do think that there is someone for everyone and I am hoping that, at some point, that person will just appear. Their are mixed views on this from my close friends and family. Many say that because i'm so resigned and "closed" to the idea that he is just around the corner, I am dismissing everyone before they have a chance. My feeling is that when he is there, I will know. I just have a funny feeling that I will know.

I often lay at night with this all whizzing around in my head. What if i've missed him? I think about the single guys that have come and been booted out in my life, and I start to re-asses whether or not i'm just not recognising them as 'Mr Right for Me'? I'm thinking that surely, as absolutely everyone I know has either met 'Mr Right for Them', or gone down the single-parent-prefer-children-to-husbands route, I must have missed the one for me? Was he the guy that was staring at me on London Bridge station, then winked as he got onto the Tunbridge Wells train? Should I have given him my number as he edged closer to me for over 20 minutes smiling like a Cheshire Cat. Was it the guy I have known for a over a year that I was supposed to meet for a date 3 months ago, then got drunk with my friends instead?

How do you know this stuff? Does anyone ever know? It seems like everyone knows, but me.

Oh fuck it: As I sit on my clean, huge sofa, surrounded by cats, I look at the beautiful flowers adorning my fireplace, i watch the sun set over the gorgeous white Georgian Terrace opposite, remote control in one hand (for the tv...now, now...!), glass of wine in the other, I wonder if there's ever going to be a time when I both want to share this happy life, or am willing to.

The Hunting Season in London

My office is based in Covent Garden, London, however, when I developed epilepsy a couple of years ago, I gave up the dreaded commute in favour of more sleep and started to work from home. I do still like to pop into the London office at least once a month as it gives me an opportunity to touch base with my fabulous colleagues and also gives me an excuse to pop into London.

Whenever i'm heading into town, it's a great excuse to glam up a bit (as opposed to my usual daily outfit of linen trousers, a vest top and a cardy with slipper socks...) so I always wear a cute little business dress (varying shapes/ lengths/ colours depending on the weather), neck-breaking high heals and a smart jacket. I do this for two reasons:

1. Because I actually believe that it's lovely to make an effort to dress well in the office as it creates a great working environment. Old fashioned, I know, but that's how I feel.

2. Because, in all honesty, I actually use my little jaunts to London as a pulling exercise.

It's all very well being single in Brighton, but we have to be honest here, i'm one of a few. Most here have arrived either smug-married, smug-engaged or smug-co-habiting to live out their harmonious coupledom bliss by the sea, or they are single and gay. It's all very well right now, as i'm an old Fag Hag Pro and the lifestyle here is made for me: lashings of vocal house and pop music, disco balls a plenty (both above and below the waist band), glamour that would knock the socks off London Fashion Week and a town dripping in fake tan and feathers. All very well, but this offers little opportunity to meet 'Mr Right for Me'.

So, approximately once a month, off I pop on my little jaunts to London to check out the commuting talent. I'm not looking for someone who actually lives in London as there's not a chance I would spend any degree of social time here when I have the World on my doorstep in Brighton, i'm looking for a commuter. My in-depth analysis has tells me that:

1. If he's commuting, he's employed
2. If he's on the early morning Brighton train or the late train heading home, he either lives in Brighton, or has friends here

Now this is where I hit the main stumbling block: How can I tell if he is single? This is really tough. Less and less people are married these days, so the old 'is he wearing a wedding ring' just doesn't apply any more. Whether or not he eyes me up is also a false indicator, as there are a zillion sleaze bags that perve on the way to and from work. So how to tell? I can't strike up a conversation with every guy I see, so this is what I am proposing:

From this point forth, all single men who are not gay, bi or bi-curious, should be given a wrist band when they purchase their train ticket. It would be a bright colour and should be worn for the duration of the journey, indicating singledom. The train companies could add on a fee of say, 50p, for this service, with the 50p (or at least 25p) being donated to a charity (say something for single women that can't afford Jimmy Choos or need to buy Atkins supplements).

I'm going to look into the feasibility of this plan tonight and will post an update when I have one. If I can't get the train companies on board, watch out for me at Brighton station handing out wrist bands.

Cancer...Again.

Cancer is the scourge of a modern life. It is not selective, there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why you would or wouldn't get it, and the chances of cure are also a lottery with treatment working for some, yet not for others.

Two weeks ago, my Cousin was told that she has breast cancer. She doesn't smoke, is healthy, hardly drinks (if at all now I come to think about it), she is kind, she attends church (or at least she did until this). So why has she got cancer?

The cancer was discovered during a routine mammogram. It's not a lump, but a number of cells. She was taken into hospital to have about a quarter of her breast removed. During surgery, it was found that the cancer has spread to her lymph glands. She was taken back in and had four lymph nodes removed. She now has 15 sessions of radiotherapy to face and five years on chemotherapy tablets.

I travelled to see her last week and was amazed at how she is coping. It's inspirational. Where the cancer comes from is an absolute mystery, but where the strength comes from is absolutely astounding. 

It's true what they say: 

"What doesn't kill you, Makes you stronger"

Some people are heroes because of what they say and do, others are heroes because of what the don't need to say or do. I'm in awe of you and your bravery AS, I really am.

The Unspoken Truth

I'm female and I have a ridiculously high sex drive.

There, I've said it.

Shocked? Why? Why is it an unspoken rule that it's ok for men to love sex and masturbation, but not for women? Guys moan that women don't love it, but if you do, you are deemed filthy. It's utter madness. Sex and procreation are part of why we exist on this earth. It's free and it's fabulous so what's the big deal? 

I had a great Sunday roast yesterday (the food type - clean your mind out for a second) with a couple of friends. Another girl joined us a little later whom I had never met before. She was lovely and I continued with my general verbal stream of my crazy week and existence. 

I was mid-story as she arrived and the topic of this particular thread was that my contraceptive pill has been changed and it's sent me absolutely wild. My hormones are flying around like a kite trapped in a tornado and I absolutely cannot seem to gather myself. As I walk down the street, I'm thinking "Oooh, he's lovely...would I? Maybe not, but the guy behind him...woooHOOO!". Now you may laugh, but this is serious, I can't watch the TV, walk down the street or go to the pub without my eyes locking onto someone who gets the 'would I, wouldn't I' analysis. I can't sleep, I can't rest and I really shouldn't be left on my own in the house for too long.

The thing that makes this so amusing is the reaction of my close friends with whom I have shared my current predicament. The girls blush, squeal, roar with laughter and mock embarrassment (like they have never even considered such a thought, let alone acted upon it...ahem...really...?!) and the boys have bulging eyes, start by glaring, then laughing, then they move a seat closer. 

Just for clarification boys, my standards haven't changed, just the strength of my desire, so there's really no need to contact me offering rehabilitation services.

So why are we so very prudish on these issues? My pregnant friends feel that it's ok to talk about leaking, cracked nipples and thrush, my gay friends openly talk about visits to the local 'park' and my married friends happily recount the fabulous orgasm that their husbands provided last Saturday, so why isn't it ok for me to say that I have a raging sex drive? 

I'm single, that's why. We are this odd group who stand out from all others. We have no annual parade or midnight walk for charity, we don't meet once a week to share our lives at an antenatal group and we don't get annual opportunities to celebrate a single anniversary. Support of any sort is not deemed necessary for us Singles.

It's amazing how many social groups you can fit into these days; for religion, colour, sexual orientation, marriage, for having children, for being under 18 or over 65, for sport, for knitting even, but not for being single. Any groups associated with being single are sneered at (dating sites, singles bars) for being weird, but why? because they are frequented by crusty old men hunting out a filly for sordid frolics. Why don't we cater to this fabulous generation of 20/30/40/50/60- somethings who are single?

Once a week I have a dinner at my place for all of my single friends. It's a great chance to get together and share our comedy stories without the eyes of those un-singled upon us. It's hysterical, heart-warming, honest and fabulous.

Seriously guys, you don't know what you're missing...I say we celebrate our singledom and shout from the roof tops that we are hot-blooded, fun, fabulous and are not labelled into a group. And why on earth shouldn't we be?

Right, i'm off...if you don't hear from me with a day or two, please come and remove me from bed before I wear myself out.

Change of Heart...Again???

That's right, a few hours after my last post, I changed my mind about said man. 

I honestly have no idea why this happens. My Mam keeps telling me that i'm just "not giving them time"...but time for what?! Vast improvements? Personality enhancements? I just have this feeling that when I meet the one, I will know straight away. I don't want to have to grow into it, I want to feel WOW * BANG # ARGHHHH ^ WOOHOO + YIPPEEEE! I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect, i'm looking for Mr. Perfect For Me. What's wrong with holding out for that?

So, the quest continues. To be honest, I can hardly be bothered and as I have recently eaten my way to the size of a Walrus, I doubt they will be bothered too. 

So, roll on next weekend, that's when the next auditions begin.

A real man: He'll never stand you up, let you down, will reassure you when you feel insecure & comfort you after a bad day. He'll inspire you to do things you never thought you could do. He'll enable you to express your deepest emotions & most intimate desires. He'll make sure you always feel beautiful & will enable yo...u to be confident, sexy, seductive, & invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

The Dating Game

I have a date. 

No...*really*...I really do have a date. 

Now I know I had sworn myself to singledom, but he just looked and sounded too lovely to resist. I know, I know...they all start that way...BUT...I have a feeling about this one...you know, one of my 'feelings'...and I think that even if he didn't fancy the pants off me (which is clearly unlikely), he would make a fantastic friend as he has a great outlook on life and is full of...well...life, which you really don't tend to find these days.

He's 32 (same age as me...I know, I don't look a day over 20...), lives in Folkestone (close enough to travel too, far enough away to hide from if it all goes tits up), is stupidly handsome, tall, incredibly funny, kind, laid back and has a fantastic lust for life.

Here's hoping he's not a manic depressive, in over 40k's worth of debt or has wives and children that he decided to keep to himself until a more 'suitable' time (surely that's at the beginning...but apparently not i'm told...).

I'd say to keep your fingers crossed, but what will be, will be...so...:

I am what I am
I am my own special creation.
So come take a look,
Give me the hook or the ovation.
It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,
My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."
 

 I am what I am,
I don't want praise, I don't want pity.
I bang my own drum,
Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty.
And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle,
Why not try to see things from a diff'rent angle?
Your life is a sham 'til you can shout out loud
I am what I am!
 

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.
There's one life, and there's no return and no deposit;
One life, so it's time to open up your closet.
Life's not worth a damn 'til you can say,
"Hey world, I am what I am!"